


Verse One: Genesis

by MagiCraft



Series: The Gospel According to Arashi. [1]
Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Biblical AU, Crack, Gen, Humor, Old work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 09:05:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10896126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagiCraft/pseuds/MagiCraft
Summary: It’s the first part of the Arashi Bible. Not to be taken seriously.





	Verse One: Genesis

VERSE ONE: GENESIS  
  


1:1

_In the beginning it was dark…  
_

1:2

And the One who would be called Captain Comedy but then became quite fond of Sadism crept into The Forbidden Lands of No Light. Firstly, He Who Is Sadistic came upon the sleeping form of Brother Hamburger Hands and caused Him to wake in the most undignified manner. And there was much grumbling. 

1:3

_And still it was dark.  
_

1:4

Then He Who Is Sadistic pulled Brother Hamburger Hands into the darkness of His making and together they sought out Saint Aiba of Stupid. Hereupon, Saint Aiba was in possession of a Talisman of Great Power; The Squishy Guard Dog of Dreams, and many thought Him safe from the darkness. However, calling upon His Dark Arts of Sadism, He of the Ever Changing Hair produced a feather dove and stole Saint Aiba of Stupid from his dreams. Which were probably perverted and thus more appealing than the two Brothers on either side of His bed. And there was much grumbling and calls for silence. 

1:5

_And still it was dark.  
_

1:6

Verily did the trio seek the abode of another victim. And hark; they came upon the domicile of the Virgin Mother, Sakurai. Joyfully He who is Sadistic found The Staff of Nice Smiles. Whereupon He was scolded by Saint Aiba because getting excited over a toothbrush was too stupid, even by his standards. Brother Hamburger Hands, in his turn, vented his wrath upon the Being of Permanently High Tension for being stupidly high volume. 

1:7

Thusly did He Who Is Sadistic seek to redeem His honour and sought the colour of the Virgin Mothers’ underwear. But Alas, even in slumber, the Virgin Mother was clad modestly, protected by the Grey Sweatpants of Chastity. And yea, wearing the vestments of all good virgins, Mother Sakurai did protect Himself from the lecherous stares of His fellows. 

1:8

Then, Brother Sadism did mock the beauty of the Virgin Mother and exclaim loudly about His puffy face. Whereupon the Virgin Mother awoke in a fit of giggles and berated the trio for being too loud. Brother Sadism would not be thwarted, however, and did use His Dark Arts of Sadism to cause the Mother great discomfort. And there was much grumbling and weary shouts of “Aloha!”

1:9

_And still it was dark.  
_

1:10

Now the four Brothers slithered into the final chamber. In the resting place of the eldest and sleepiest Brother, Saint Aiba, the Virgin Mother and Brother Hamburger Hands gave briefly into temptation and lay upon the spare pallet in weary respite. And yea, did Brother Sadism smite them soundly and take great delight in waking them anew. Then the four, with Gospel music of the Highest Order, did sing loudly of Souls and of Dreams. 

1:11

And together they did bound upon the pallet of the eldest Brother and cause the world to quake mightily. Only after much singing of Gospel and great shaking of the Earth did the sleepiest Brother awaken. Once robbed of His Quilt of Supreme Comfort He saw that He had been summoned from slumber by His four Brothers. And He was glad. 

1:12

And verily, with all five Brothers awakened there was much rejoicing. And from that rejoicing did flow many Sparkles. And the Sparkles grew to shine brighter than the sun. 

1:13

_And then there was light.  
_

**Author's Note:**

> Re-posting from my old LJ account.


End file.
